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Tue, Jul. 24th, 2012, 05:09 pm
LIve Journal

I didn't know I even had a LiveJournal account still opened. Things in life have drastically changed since I last posted anything on here. I just turned 30. I have one year left for my second college degree. I changed majors 3 years ago and am now on my way to being an animator. I currently like in savannah ga and am going to the sometimes horrible Savannah College of Art and Design... I live with my boyfriend of two years named Larry. I am probably the happiest I've been in forever.
Friends have come and gone. My bff's from back in the day really don't talk to me anymore. Probably my best friend in the world is Kirby. He moved to San Diego a couple of years ago. We may go months without talking but instantly pick up like no time has passed at all.

Previous to now I lived in Nashville Tn with Jonathan, a sad shell of a human who nearly destroyed any and all confidence I had in myself. I strayed with him for probably all the wrong reasons, and after 5 1/2 years I finally ran away as fast as I could. Once I got to Savannah I fell apart. I pretty much broke down do to lack of friends and support. It was the first time I ever had to stand alone in life. I got up and pushed as hard as I could and I got an awesome apartment and went to school. I got a shitty job nights and weekends at the local country club. I worked there two years and never met anyone worth hanging out with. I left about two months ago do to surgery on my back. Goodbye restaurant jobs, I am not sad to see you go. Anyway after I got on my feet, I started dating. AKA going to bars and getting drunk, then taking people home. I met a handful of fun people and a world full of broken people. Happy hour drunks are some of the most interesting people you will ever meet in life. I met three men for dating. Paul Morrison was the most amazing man I have ever met. Paul was a purser of a yacht that was docked in Savannah for repairs. We spend probably four months together. We talked on the phone, in person, went to dinners and drank. Paul made me so confident about myself and the choices I had made to get where I am. We had plans to meet up in Spain, where he lived, after his yacht got home in six months. Paul left Savannah for Jacksonville and I never saw him again. He died in South America. Part of me died when I found out. Yes, it was a short relationship, but I had never felt so loved and important to anyone. As I grieved I dated a string of disaster. Jordan was a sad alcoholic... 2 weeks and it was over. Showed up extremely drunk at my door months later and I felt horrible sending him away. Jordan=broken,damaged,a Jonathan. Next was guy with the hat... I don't remember his name. Me horrible person! 2 days... did drugs. He had to go! Then I had given up on dating, I met one of the funniest men I ever met at a bar. Brett. Brett is Satan in a human body :( He was a manipulator and probably the best liar I ever met. He lasted about six months living with me for four. He was a giant cocaine addict and it had lost him everything. Turns out Brett was married, homeless, on cocaine, and having sex with random people for money while I was at school or work. I threw up when I found out. We had a showdown in my apartment. He tried to kill me, by choking me to death. I bit a hole in his side to get free, I broke his arm, and through him out of my house. He tried to come back a couple of times, but that was that. I am a very social person. I'm quite but I like to be around people. So one evening a couple of months later I met Larry out and about in Savannah. I didn't know it was gay pride but it was. He had the most beautiful smile and I drove him to his house. After dating for about three months I finally gave in and moved in with him. It was extremely hard for me to give up the freedom I had gotten used to, of the apartment and coming and going at my own speed. I don't regret the decision for a moment. Almost to our second year and he has been with me through all my regular craziness plus back surgery. After I graduate he is planning on relocating with me to where ever I can find work. And dear live journal, that is the update on the past four years. I am happy and at peace with myself. My rage and destructive nature are finally in check. I love myself for me, and I love all the people that helped to create the me of today. Love me the flaming butterfly ;)

Tue, Jun. 20th, 2006, 01:42 pm
wake up you're 24!!

Tada!! im not dead... really im not! im just going to type for a bit. ok... im working at mere bulles in brentwood now. i really dont like it, but i can make almost a hundred dollars every day. my car is getting old, im afraid it will die soon. jonathan and i are still treking on... two and a half years now. my sanity is the most lucid ive been in years. i cant be a child my whole life, ive decided to grow up and go to college this fall... in 6 years i'll be an architect. i can used my creativity and art skills to make MONEY!
that all important thing we hate till we dont have it! im back to 155lbs!!! come on 145! the house we live in is really growing on me! i love jonathan's cats no matter how much i sneeze around them... vivian(my sister) is probably getting married sometime this fall to hubby #3... i hope it works out... she had another break down about 6 months ago... it really tore me up because i know that could be me! mom and dad are still mom and dad.(crazy as crazy people get on lithium!! :) my dads mom is getting more frail as time goes on and i worry about her often, my moms parents are raising my 11 year old cousin now, so they seem to have been revitalized as third generation parents. my great grandparents are now ancient and still kicking. my great great aunt mary elizabeth has the forgetful disease and now doesnt know us. my great great aunt linny just broke her hip (OLD AGE SCARES ME)... jonathan and his mom,sister and i are all going to HOLIDAY WORLD this weekend and im scared! close proximity to the mother in law HAHA really scares me... i dont think she likes me. im painting again! my creativity disapeared for a while but has burst back into full bloom! jonathan bought me a mac mini for my birthday this year(IM LOVING THIS THING!) it has airport wireless internet so i steal it from the neighbors for free YEAH! ive lost all of my lewisburg friends now finally. dave in wonderland has deleted me finally from his lj list. not like i post that often anyways... ive got a flower garden this year. im so proud of myself, i kept the cacti alive lol and thats about it... hope everyone out there is doing well and ta!

Sat, Apr. 29th, 2006, 04:06 pm
time goes by

it seems like yesterday i was five years old. im going to college this fall, my 24th birthday is in a month. my life really isnt going anywhere...

i really am scared of america. i really feel that if things continue as they do, we will all find ourselves in consentration camps one day.

i dont know, maybe im paranoid... but im really considering moving overseas

Wed, Nov. 2nd, 2005, 08:22 pm

well im in a better mood than i was in this morning, not that that is saying much...

all day adriane just apologized over and over about her drunk boo hoo session last night. i love birthday parties *sarcastic*

my stomach is really upset and i think its an ulcer. im not going to the doctor though unless im dying.

jonathan is watching the martha stewart apprentice in the other room. i really cant stand that show! im in a mood so i really cant stand jonathan either.
nothing i say gets a nice comment back and its really erking me!

i dont know i guess im just tired


Wed, Nov. 2nd, 2005, 07:26 am
upset tummy:(

well things are rocky...
jonathan and i are having fights atleast once a week.
fights not really about anything either

we dont do anything together. he hates my friends. he doesnt go out with his friends for me to go too. we dont really have anything in common.
but i know if i had more money things would be better because jonathon loves money more than anything and thats the one thing i cant give him.

im thinking about moving home just to recharge. im so down all the time. im mean to jonathon too, and i really dont mean to be. i snap at him all the time, no wonder he doesnt love me anymore.

im afraid to go to school now because im already 23 and i would be 27 or older when i got out. im still clueless as to what i want to do with my life.
i kind of just want to build my own apartment at my parents place and live there forever.

the big move outwest im to scared to do. move out on my own im to scared to do.
i dont know life right now is very uneventful.

i just want to paint and i cant paint anymore. i dont have any ideas. its like all my dreams and imagination just dried up one day and blew away.

i dont know what to do...
i dont know what else to write either so goodbye

Tue, Jul. 5th, 2005, 09:37 pm
The Depression is eating me whole


Ive lost my way. I can't see what needs to be seen, I can't say what has to be said. My body is in pain, and my mind is in constant turmoil.

Suicide is looming like a dark cloud again. Where have I gone. Why am I back here in the dark again. Alone...

Jonathan doesnt understand me and I dont understand him.
He doesnt see that Im falling apart, and I love him for that.

He doesnt know that darkness. He cant feel the air thicken over
him, he cant drown.

Im going nowhere. I hate my life, I hate my Love, and I hate being Alone.

WHY AM I LOST AGAIN?? someone help.

Thu, Feb. 3rd, 2005, 05:09 pm

ive been thinking alot the past couple of days about my life and where i'm going and ive discovered that im lost...
not that i ever new what i was doing but now i just walk around in a fog!

what have i become over the past couple of years. i was so sure of what i was going to do with my days. now im pretty much living day to day trying to avoid the world and just pay the bills.

i was shocked when i didnt move to another state and go to college. i did applaud myself for running away to the capital.(which by most isnt much)
i fell in love from across a club, and in one way or another have been in love ever since.

ive changed though, i dont love paining anymore... i dont love escaping the world and going inside my own head. my dreams are fading slowly, and other peoples opinions are coming out of my mouth.

some days i want to run... but where would i go. i dont have any money, and i dont have any skills. ive been waiting tables for 4 years now. its not a life. im not alive and neither are most of my friends. everyone just complains about everyday and nobody does anything.

im lost in my typing so forgive my ramblings, but im in a dark place and the darkness has been growing for awhile. maybe if i just expell some of my negativity here i wont be so sad in real life. but... this is real life.
there is no escape but death and im guessing thats a crap-shoot too.

im worrried about growing old and being completly alone forever. i wonder if thats why people get married and have families. i dont want a family though.
i just want me and all my friends to all live happily ever after into the sunset and blah blah blah.

im really tired of telling people that im fine...
i just want to get up on a roof and scream until my throat bleeds and then scream somemore. does it ever get better??

Wed, Nov. 17th, 2004, 06:52 am
Todays the day

Well today hopefully i get the job at era. real estate is alot more expensive to start off in than i had hoped for, but this will be my first big career change. Hopefully the last one.

Things are going good right now. Ive got the rent paid for the month, ive started my christmas shopping, and i have friends.
I dont guess i realized how much ive needed friends until i look back and see that i didnt ever have any growing up.

I go to trivia at 7 on thursday nights with my friend alison at the lipstick lounge, thats my get together of the week.

Jonathan and i have had a couple of falling outs, but i still love him so things are good.

My family and I are getting closer than i think we have ever been. So as of today life is good and beautiful.

Someday soon hopefully i can find all the people ive lost over the years and try to get to know them again.

well anyway i need to grab some breakfast. love you world
have a great fucking day

Sat, Sep. 11th, 2004, 09:08 am

today i rescheduled my exam for my real estate licence.
i didnt go to school this year, but not because i didnt try, but i was short about 2000 bucks for school. *sigh*

jonathan and i have had a little bit of a rocky time but everything is still great. i love him more than air.

my friend alison's birthday is in just a couple of days!

brian is cooking a feast for her and then we are going bar hopping around the historic district!

i hope her purse turns out.
im still waiting tables, but im afraid our restaurant is going to be closing. :(
the apartment is really to cluttered for me to paint, so ive put painting on the back burner for now. i really miss it, but i really dont have the room for it.

im worried about my grandmothers health, the last time i saw her she was so frail. i cried once i got home.
i really dont have a family conection without her.
i have parents, but they dont talk to me and i dont talk to them unless i have to.

i really have to get some kind of career going soon im 22 and have no savings and no life!

there has got to be something i can do to make money than doesnt involve selling my soul to the corporate world.

but anyway i need to CLEAN the apartment so im going to get off here

love ya

Sat, Jul. 3rd, 2004, 11:39 am

today im going camping in the living room, isnt that funny.
jonathan and i are going to build a quilt tent and go camping since the weather isnt going to let us camp outside.

im going to start school in just a couple of weeks, YEAH!
also i plan on starting real estate school with jonathan.

i cant believe we are looking at houses together. GASP!
i wonder what would have happened to me if i had changed things just a tiny bit and not have met jonathan.

i love him so much!!!!!!

Ahhhhh im so happy right now.

love ya love ya
even though i dont talk to you guys much anymore

but have a great day


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